We build what we use.

Reinforcement and punishment are social control mechanisms; they are ways of controlling other people’s behavior.   Parenting, however, is more than merely controlling the child’s behavior.  Parenting is about helping create an emotionally healthy human being, parenting is about creating a child who is mature and responsible. Parenting is more than simply creating an obedient child, parenting is about creating a cooperative child.

Parenting is about relationship and communication, not merely control and domination of the child.

Behavior is the symptom; the brain is the cause.  Reinforcement and punishment target the symptom, not the cause.  Reinforcement and punishment are not how brain networks are created or strengthened.

Brain networks are built on the principle of “we build what we use.” In the scientific literature, this principle is called “use-dependent” development.

Every time a brain cell or brain network is used, structural and chemical changes take place that make connections within that brain network stronger, more sensitive, and more efficient. Gradually over time these changes in the brain network return back to their baseline state, but with repeated use these chemical and structural changes in the brain network remain in place, and a chemical-structural pathway is “grooved” into the brain network.

In the scientific literature, this process is called “canalization,” like building a canal or channel in the brain network – we build what we use.

In response to environmental and social challenges, the young child initially emits a “protest behavior” designed to enlist the involvement of the more mature parent, who gradually guides the child to respond to the environmental or social challenge in productive ways, thereby “canalizing” or grooving into the brain networks the pathways for responding in a productive way to that type of environmental or social challenge.

Gradually, through the guidance support provided by the parent, the brain networks of the child acquire increasingly sophisticated pathways – chemical-structural changes grooved or “canalized” into the pathways – for responding productively to various environmental and social challenges.

The acquisition of these increasingly sophisticated “canalized” pathways is called “maturation.”

The supportive guidance provided to the child by the parent is called “scaffolding.”

Think of constructing a building. When we start to build a structure we begin by creating a scaffolding framework that supports the structure while it is being build. As the structure is built the scaffolding support is gradually withdrawn.

Parenting involves the scaffolding support of the child’s maturation and development by the guidance support provided to the child in response to environmental and social challenges that the child cannot independently master.

As the child’s own brain networks acquire the ability to independently master increasingly more sophisticated environmental and social challenges, the scaffolding support of the parent is gradually withdrawn to allow the maturing child to independently accept responsibility for managing the challenge.

This is called maturation.

With each developmental stage, new challenges emerge which require the parent’s scaffolding support to gradually build the brain networks appropriate for that stage of development.  During the first few years of life the developmental stages change rapidly, but then tend to stabilize at about a two-year sequence.

0 – 18 months:  Sensory-motor integration is a primary brain system developing during this period, as are basic relationship networks for trust and security.  This period also sees the beginning of language formation.  Problems in sensory-motor development and language acquisition are particularly prominent features of this developmental stage.

18 months – 3 years:  Affectional bonding (attachment) and the beginning of socially mediated regulation of emotions are particularly prominent features of this stage of development.  Mobility and sensory motor integration, particularly of the vestibular system (the body’s location in gravity) and the proprioceptive system (the body’s location in space), are prominent in this phase of development.  Attachment security is a particularly prominent feature of this developmental stage.

3 – 5 years:  These are the preschool years when the child’s world expands to include teachers (other adult caregivers) and other children (peer relationships).  The child’s play begins as solitary play and gradually the child moves to parallel play, and then socially involved and integrated play. This period is notable for the increasing regulation of emotions.  Emotions begin to transform from earlier “catastrophic emotions” (explosive and expressive displays) to “emotional signaling” (using modulated emotional expressions as part of social communication).  Beginning emotional regulation, delay of gratification, and peer social relationships are particularly important features of this developmental stage.

6 – 8 years:  These are the early school-age years.  At around 5 to 6  years old important aspects of the child’s cognitive and executive function system become active and the child’s ability for goal-directed motivation (located in the executive function system) begins to be able to challenge the child’s more basic exploratory learning motivational system (located in the sensory-motor and emotional systems).  The strengthening of the child’s goal-directed motivational networks along with the previous successful embedding of the child within a broader social context during the preschool period allow the child to suppress impulses for increasingly longer periods of time during this early school-age period.  Beginning signs of hyperactivity and impulse control problems, and continuing explosive displays of emotional tantrums are particularly problematic during this stage of development.  Earlier problems in sensory-motor integration may begin to affect learning.

8 – 10 years:  This is the beginning period of social initiative.  Peer relationships begin to become increasingly important as the child’s self-esteem begins to become defined through achievement.  Children begin to participate more actively in extra-curricular activities (where they are either successful or unsuccessful relative to their peers), school grades become more important (where they are either successful or unsuccessful relative to their peers), and children begin to be invited to peers’ birthday parties and after-school play activities (where popularity and social success or failure begins to be established).  Disruptions in the stability of the home environment (marital problems and divorce) can create problematic emotions and relationship needs that disrupt the normal trend toward an outward social focus on achievement during this developmental period.  School resistance can begin to emerge during this developmental period.

10 – 12 years:  During the pre-adolescent years the child looks to the same-gender parent (and mentors such as teachers, coaches, and media figures) for gender-based role modeling – what’s it like to be a “man” or  a “woman.”  The brain is beginning to prepare itself for the profound developmental transition into sexual maturity and adulthood.  School performance takes on increasing importance, and any prior learning problems become increasingly evident.  School resistance and school failure can begin to emerge during this period.  Marital problems, divorce, and parental remarriage (forming a new blended family structure) can all create strong emotional challenges for the child regarding grief, anger, loss, and anxiety. 

12 – 14 years:  The onset of puberty and physical changes into adult maturation become a central focus of this stage in development.  Role modeling begins to shift away from parents over to peers, and peer popularity becomes an important self-esteem issue.   Increasing expressions of emerging independence can create increased parent-child conflict.  Poorly forming social self-esteem and increasing emotional distance from parents within the family can create depression and alienation.  School withdrawal and school failure can become prominent concerns during this period.

14 – 16 years:  The early high-school years are marked by increasing expressions of adult-like independence yet important aspects of the executive function system involving anticipating future consequences necessary for successful planning have yet to become active.  This can lead to impulsive and immature decision making.  Navigating the transition from a parent-child relationship to a more mature adult-to-adult relationship can present a variety of challenges for both the parent and the child.  Voice and self-expression become particularly important during these early adolescent years.  Parental loss of control over the child’s behavior can be particularly problematic during this period, and teen sexuality and possible drug and alcohol use become prominent concerns.

16 – 18 years:  Important executive function systems for reasoning and planning become active at around age 16, prompting a boost in maturity and more responsible decision making.  During this later adolescent period, the child is preparing for young adulthood.  Problems in navigating any of the prior developmental periods may create anxiety for the adolescent regarding their ability to successfully enter young adulthood, which combines with a counter inner drive to separate and become independent from the family.  The (unconscious) unreadiness and anxiety of the adolescent surrounding entering young adulthood can create significant arguments and conflicts with parents as the child evidences both inflexible independence and dependent irresponsibility.  Parent-child conflict, drugs, alcohol, and teenage pregnancy all become prominent concerns during this period.  Depression and alienation may also become challenging for the adolescent during this period.

18 – 22/24 years:  Launching into young adulthood.  This is the period when the child transitions from childhood into young adulthood.  Any unresolved developmental challenges from earlier periods will ripple into and affect this transition. Some children embrace this developmental challenge with mature responsibility, some children explode into this developmental period with rash and ill-conceived judgment, and some children resist embracing this challenge by evidencing dependent irresponsibility.

New challenges continually emerge during each phase of development.  The goal and responsibility of parenting is to scaffold and guide the child in navigating these ever-evolving developmental challenges to build (through use-dependent processes; we build what we use) the integrated brain networks necessary for the child’s own successful self-responsibility and self-reliance.

Parenting isn’t simply disciplining the child for “bad behavior” in hopes that the child somehow learns to become a healthy and mature person.  Parenting involves guidance and scaffolding of the child’s development in meeting the ever-changing developmental challenges of each developmental phase. 

Successful parenting to achieve an emotionally healthy, responsible, and successful child and young adult requires that we understand what healthy development means regarding the various underlying brain systems that are responsible for healthy and successful child development

• Sensory-Motor Systems
• Emotional Systems
• Language and Communication Systems
• Relationship Systems
• Executive Function Systems
• Motivational Systems

Once we understand how these systems function and work together, we can then scaffold the child’s development within each of these systems across the various developmental periods to achieve our goals of a emotionally healthy, mature and responsible child who grows into an emotionally healthy, mature and responsible young adult.  Our goal is to achieve a calm and relaxed, pleasant and cooperative child, adolescent, and young adult across each of these developmental periods, who seeks and uses parental counsel and judgement to scaffold the child’s own emerging self-maturity during that developmental period.

Our goal is not merely to achieve an obedient child, our goal is to achieve a cooperative child who is mature and responsible, who is relaxed and pleasant, and who is an emotionally healthy person.  All of this is possible.  We just have to know what we’re doing.

Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857